It’s been a year (11 months) since I started this thing. My daughter beat cancer and I moved across the second half of the country. Wow, what a difference a year can make (do we love these kind of cliches?). I have also reached some deep realizations. About half of these light bulbs set me free and lit up the path I’m trying to take. The other half required some grieving. Nonetheless, I am here continuing to take steps on my individual path with yet another version of myself accompanying me. On the outside, it probably looks like I’m just starting this adventure; I’ve actually been working towards this current state consistently for years. I had taken a pause from this blog, not knowing whether or not I wanted to continue it. I knew that this could no longer be “cancer update” space it had become and I didn’t know exactly how I wanted to adjust from it. I’ve known from the beginning of this that I want to share my inner thoughts, but which thoughts to choose was difficult. Mattie’s cancer journey made that easier. It was the only thing on my mind for months and still continues to invade my day to day thoughts throughout a pandemic norm. That chapter is virtually closed now though and I need to open the gates of my mind a bit further. It feels so important to me because- if I stumbled across this blog (that I’m hoping to create) as a kid, this would have most likely changed my life a bit earlier and allowed me to inhale the magic I’ve always felt and exhale the lies societal pressure implies.
So! My senior year of college I knew I was losing myself. I was shuffled through another academic system that gave me no sort of challenge and none of it felt real. I’m about to graduate and I don’t even know what it is I can say I’m proud of through this. I was very involved with my school, got good grades, and had fun. I was mostly just proud of the college experience I was able to give myself through my own choices, but it didn’t feel real. Like a dream, nothing tangible was there and I could never really feel the accomplishments and success- which sports sometimes gave me. Maybe some of you are chuckling at the thought of an easy to obtain education major. Well, it’s not. One of the exams I had to pass had only a 7% (like 90% sure that’s the correct percentage) passing rate for the nation. I passed it with no trouble or studying on my first attempt. It wasn’t “easy” to the relative general public, so much so that they scrapped it and started to just take SAT scores instead. Again, though, none of it felt real. Almost as if I were given everything I needed in order to be successful in this area I chose to pursue. I never had to work hard to find anything.
Seems nice and breezy but I started disassociating a lot. I’d really lose myself because I felt so unconnected to this thing everyone calls life. I’ve felt this quite a lot throughout my life, but the end of college motivated me to dive deeper into this feeling. I was about to graduate and become a “functioning adult” (whatever the fuck that means); I needed to feel like I belonged here. So, I reflected back unto my roots. Lutheran school fills up most of my earliest memories and I said “why not look back into that stuff?” I literally went back to my parents’ house one weekend and found my old bible and hymn book. I started studying. Reading through the bible got me even more confused. There were so many contradictions and it felt odd to me that so many people are so sure of the interpretation they have of it. I started to feel like the people so aggressive about this book hadn’t sat down and read it like I had. I fell deeply into a lost confusion. Christianity can really aid a lot of people. There are many good things it can do. However, the path I’m on didn’t match up to it and it scared me at first.
What was the next logical thing to do? Well, of course, I spiraled into a panic (similar to some I remember having as a very young kid) and accepted that I’m going to be tortured for eternity in hell because I’m the only one who doesn’t get it and Jesus is going to see right through me so why even lie to myself. Then, it hit me. “You, idiot. There are countless religions. Why are you only focused on this one?” I started picking up other holy scriptures and learning about other religions. Not only was I reading scriptures, but I was plunging into the histories of all these religions including Christianity. I came out even more confused and appalled that there are literally wars because no one can breathe for a second and say “Wait. I know we have different approaches. But, do you think we could kind of be talking about the same thing here?” I learned that I didn’t want to follow any of these things laying it all out for me. Why doesn’t anything feel real, though? Why is this place so foreign feeling for me when everyone around me just kind of “gets it” and knows how to jump into the flow? Side note: I feel like most of us feel lost at least one time or another in our lives. I think most people are better at ignoring that feeling or finding a space where they feel they actually belong. I think we’ve become so normalized to only looking at ourselves on the surface functioning level society wants out of us. So, if we’re functioning okay, why look any further? I was “functioning” well, but longed for something more out of this place.
The researching brought me to the summer after I had stopped teaching. I was consistently researching and learning about these topics for over two years. Then, Sam and I visited Chicago. I’d never been there and I was feeling a little low around this time. So many religions and I still don’t feel like I can authentically fit into any of them. I know so many people who have found a safety and spiritual home in these organizations and everything I learned made me feel more and more like an outsider. I felt hopeless. With a forced smile on my face in a new place, Sam points out a used book store to me. What a guy. He gets me. Obviously taking that as an invite to break away from the new city streets and run inside, I did. I walked around cluelessly. The past two years I had been buying countless scriptures and religious history books; I didn’t even know what interests I had anymore. Reminding me of the time my therapist asked “What are your interests? What do you like to do?” and I had no answer. I’ve never felt real or tangible. I never embodied who I was or gotten to know myself.
This book was poking out on a bottom shelf by my feet and really caught my attention. During this time, I was still under the impression that I had Native heritage and, looking at the cover, it drew me in fully; there was a beautiful Native American woman with open arms. Mary Summer Rain was the author. I opened the book and it was a diary starting in August 1993, my birth month and year. The connection I felt towards the Native American community was always one of respect and gratitude. I’ve now realized that my inaccurate impression caused me to form a deep respect and understanding for a world that has consequently helped to guide me a lot. The author actually had similar things said to her about Native connections and learned more as time moved. I’ve realized that this seems to be a common pattern among white people. I often think the sharing of this inaccurate information by extended family is a form of white guilt and lying to themselves makes it momentarily easier to forget the pain that’s been inflicted upon innocent people. I think white people have several forms of this that too many of us deny or avoid acknowledging. She did end up being welcomed into a Native American community years later, but you should read her books to learn how that happened.
The wisdom she brought deeply related to the subjects I had been researching. She talked love, spirits, and magic. This, for the first time, made me feel like I was a part of something here. Something unseen to the cultural eye we’ve lied for in hopes everyone will grow without it, without your power. The author didn’t want her readers just solely listening to her; I was encouraged through her books to research myself. This is where I picked up my love for quantum physics.
Dean Radin was a scientist involved in Stargate. Stargate was the mission to find out more about those “supernatural” gifts people claim to have and use those powers against Russia in the Cold War. They ended up proving that, yes, there is evidence all of this exists, but weren’t able to determine why or how throughout Stargate’s operations. The United States trashed it and disclosed the findings years later. “If we can’t figure out how to control it and use it for our gain, why bother?” That’s the attitude of our country. Literally finding out that magic exists, but throwing the information away because we can’t capitalize on it. See how easily capitalism becomes an issue? We have thrown out magic that the top scientists have proven to exist. What on earth is wrong with us?
I couldn’t get enough. I flew through all of his books and needed more and more and more. Finally, the world seems a bit more real. I realized my eyesight looks differently compared to almost everyone else’s. It’s almost pixelated. Everything I look at seems penetrable, fluid-like. I know I can’t walk through walls if I just got up and tried to do it, but the world to me looks as though it’s not impossible to think you somehow could. I felt compelled to reach out to him. He emailed me back that same day. We went back and forth and even talked about my eyesight. He validated my inner belief that I was seeing a deeper physical world than most of the humans around me. It’s almost as if I can see the energy radiating from things and people. I can see more to you than you can probably see of yourself. I can feel it too.
No wonder the world never felt real. I’ve been surrounded by people pretending that the energy radiating from themselves isn’t theirs. I had fallen to believe that the falsities told to me were the truth and not the actual truth I can literally see coming out of you. Have any idea what this did to my metal health?! I can see the world for what it is while living in a society that doesn’t believe the truth I see. Even though reputable scientists have proven what I see exists.
The journey I’m on now revolves around my confidence in that truth and continuing to learn about and from it. I’m still human, but I’ve been given a blessing and a curse. It used to feel so lonely. I even questioned my sanity (definitely a recurring pattern on this road). I ended up going to the bar a lot for a period of time. I was so lost and confused by the information I was learning. I needed validation. I’d have a few drinks where I would no longer feel afraid to reach out to strangers and make those quantum connections. I could see people’s past and present energies which laid out possibilities for their futures. After being called a witch almost every night and having strangers collapse and fall into my arms crying, I started to realize there is a lot of power moving alongside of us and hardly anyone is tapping into it. I’m only able to be considered an exception in the perspective of saying no to the lies we’ve been fed. We are all so powerful and these are the topics I’ll write about from now on.
I want to reiterate that religion is not a negative that I completely dismiss. We are all here with different perspectives and purposes. Religion has caused me a lot of negativity, but I wasn’t working with saints. I was being supervised in a school that didn’t live the life they literally preached about living. Christianity has also saved a lot of similarly lost souls. It just didn’t end up being my saving grace. The paths we choose to take or the ones seemingly calling out to us don’t cancel out or invalidate all of the other paths of love fellow humans around us are taking. Diversity is constantly a theme of progress. Paths diverse in variety allow us to learn perspectives we wouldn’t have stumbled upon with only our choices surrounding us. Love connects us through this growth.
I’ll be able to feel the judgements for my unorthodox perspectives, which actually connect to some of the most ancient and longstanding views our world holds. Judgement is powerful in the sense that no matter how much you conceal it, it can still be easily felt more often than not. I’m used to those radiating energies coming towards me. Even if I’m a little nervous to encounter them, it doesn’t mean they’ll affect me significantly. I’ve been abrasively judged throughout my life and if you continue to read what I create in order to do just that, my heart breaks for you. If you’re reading my posts and you don’t even realize that’s your motivation- oh, that’s even more heartbreaking. I’m here to share my views on the universe because I don’t think it’s focused on nearly enough. It’s what we experience everyday and what a good majority of us avoid when we’re orchestrating our thoughts.
Take care of the planet and share love with the universe.
Peace and progress,