My Life

Let Us Get Spiritual, Spiritual

Anyone else feeling the call? This pandemic has so many deeper meanings to me. My spirituality always plays a role in my life, but its priority has been forgotten on occasion. Spiritual. That word gives a lot of different people a lot of different feelings. What does it mean to me?

I love how spiritual I can get. I can also start fearing the strength of my own beliefs. I have a lot of theories and “what if” thoughts all over and around this subject (& many others!). I think religion can do a really great job demonstrating some of the same practices and that none of it should look the same for everyone. Like, don’t make me awkwardly pretend to sing as a part of this search plz. The discomfort should pull growth out of you, ya know?

Call it what you may, but I deeply believe that many of us, if not all, are being summoned. For the moment, maybe only a few of us have our out-of-this-world hearing configured just enough to get the gist of what’s being asked of us. Or, possibly, I’m underestimating quiet beings. We are experiencing something that does not own a precedent. We are the new frontline of this change. One of my favorite things to do? Get lost in the mind’s abyss. It’s dark; it’s scary; it’s unknown; it’s essential.

Since the pandemic, oh my the chaos and negativity that has risen to the surface. It feels like muzzles were cut loose from the rabid all at once. Instead of healing, we’ve muffled a lot of growth with the way we have chosen to allow society’s sprouting and continuation to overtake. Am I making any sense?! This is a crucial moment in time, a moment teaching us that big, quick change is actually possible. I’ve been holding hope when I think of a healthy world my kiddo will learn to care for too. If never before, use now as the time to realize how much we can really change the world.

Over the last several years, I have felt the rattling in my chest. The evidence of chains being loosened. I have yet to meet the Me lying beneath the constraints that were put there since the beginning of what I am. Just like most of us, I’ve felt confined to the “fitting in” nature we often adapt to. YaknowwhatImean? The “eh, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality I’ve held or felt defeated by all too often. The same mindset that only the few heroes before us took advantage of when it was their time time to stop that toxic cycle.

The most recent years have really given some of the locks a run for their money. It was evident that they’d either hold up and continue to stay stronger than all else or the rattling from the inside would finally find the weak spots and consequential freedom. Showing me just how fragile this whole “good luck changing anything” world is, I can now fully see how much I can change. It was the light inside of me that broke the barriers of expressing myself authentically. It was trauma holding me back. It was egoic, physical life.

The chains are gone, but my soul was not as eager to visit the world as I thought She would be. She’s disgusted. I’m disgusted. She’s shown me the major roles I played in this grimey world. In meeting Myself, She’s taught me a lot. It’s to the point in meditation where I can almost see the two sides of who I am completely separated and defined. My physical side or my egoic side is the hell on earth I have brought. I also have a divinity within Myself, like all of you. My essence. Your essence. Now, when I find that quiet peace, My Divine Side comes to meet me on the park bench more often than not.

It used to be more so an envy whenever I met Her. An image I would never be able to reach. Until one day when I used my own name to talk to Her. I realized the separation was being created by the other half of the bench. Why wasn’t my ego allowing them to talk to each other? Maybe afraid of rejection from Myself. Maybe I wasn’t ready for Me to tell me that we needed to talk about some things. Maybe my eyesight was foggy and I didn’t know which side was actually trying to help. Whatever the holdup was, I’m so glad it passed.

Every time the fog returns and the clouds hover in front of Your Clarity, remember that every sunny day you’ll be able to see each side of the bench a little better. So, maybe, what’s most important now is to wait until you can clearly see which part of you you’re talking to. And, just maaayyybeee, the call we are hearing is from that same bench. Maybe we don’t even need to feel crazy to pick it up.

I’ve wanted to kick myself for not being consistent here. I sat back and realized a few things. This was originally started for my own mental health! I’m also very literally a disabled person! In addition to that, have I forgotten what recent life has looked like for myself? I have been drained. I still am, but the fire is growing back and I’m close to standing once again.

I’m driven; I’m angry; I’m frustrated; I’m scared; I’m tired; I’m on fire. So, can you feel the change?! Am I the only one feeling a shift in the stillness? Anyone else’s “park bench” conversations change in tone?

I do believe there are some beautiful goddess-like creatures vibing on this with me. The beautiful friendships that have reignitied in my life have been major reasons for my novel spark. Let’s continue in that direction! There are divine people walking around us. It hasn’t all been negative since this has started. We are all dressed as sheep. Spirituality, for me, is a little about what you are when the sheep’s clothing is dropped. This is a perfect opportunity to sit with each part of who you are. It’s hard to and sometimes it’s weird even guessing where to start. I’ve been really trying to quiet down and vibe with myself.

This could be our moment to change the tides and manipulate ourselves into a clearer version of who we are. Say, what if the “calling” is for us to turn within ourselves over an unknown period of time and see what it does. IDK. Welcome to a scraping of my brain.

Take care of the planet and share love with the universe.

Peace and progress,
-Kait

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